Speaking out

Dream or nightmare

**Warning** This post is about living with abuse, and may be triggering. This is for others to understand a little bit better.

Today I speak out for all those who grew up with abuse. Today I’ll say all those things others rarely say, for fear of not being understood.

I grew up in a hostile environment.

I don’t expect others to understand how one can love the person that abuses you daily, or how one person’s mood can affect you totally. The truth is, it feels like a war. And unlike a real war, there are no fellow soldiers who’s got your back.

It feels like being trapped on a boat, alone, while facing a storm.

Forgive us when we don’t like being in a crowd, or that we can sometimes struggle to trust our loved ones. Forgive us when we’d rather sit in a dark room than having the light on. You see, living like that makes one shy away from any attention. Sometimes it was safer to hide away than being near our abusers.

The worst part is, we are shamed or even hurt when we tell others the truth. And even when we do, people so rarely understand.

People like me needs a lot of love and patience. You have to understand that we grow up not knowing what love feels like. Some may struggle showing what we feel. Others may love with every fiber in our being, yet struggle to trust.

Forgive us when we struggle to eat right. I used to feel so guilty about what I eat, as if I did not deserve my food. Others may not even have enough to eat. Other times I did not want a full stomach, as its a huge disadvantage in a fight.

Yes, fights happen. Many abusers even wait until you are vulnerable before attacking you, verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically. And they will tell you that it is your fault.

Forgive us when we miss the misery, the dull aches that feel like home.

Forgive me for still hanging my armor in the closet.

Thank you to those who understand why I have to guard you when we go out, and when you understand why I wear weapons in the house. Sorry for those times when I could not get myself to go out with you, and all those times I cried in your arms. Thank you for just holding me. I know you felt guilty about not knowing what to say. Truth is you understood way more than anyone else, you didn’t have to say a thing.

Lastly, thank you for those who love us, because you are changing our whole world.

Havoc

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