The rush of battle is often a potent and lethal addiction, for war is a drug
Today I’m so tired. Stayed up late to watch my nightingale’s childhood home videos. Strange how exhaustion gives me perspective. For the last week I’ve been staying with her, as her parents are away, and they asked me to watch over her and her brother.
Its been a huge adjustment to live there. Why? Because I get enough to eat, don’t need weapons in the house, and actually get enough sleep (except for last night of course).
The home videos made this fact even more obvious; The things they did were normal, they have the usual kind of family photos. In stark contrast, there is my life.
We only have a handful of photos, all when I was very young. Guess thats when things started going wrong.
Yesterday someone spoke to me about self defence weapons. Suddenly I realised how many scars I have from fighting for my life, and how hostile my house can be. Dog attacks, men armed with machetes and rifles, even that one night when there was a shootout in our front yard.
Dear reader, if you are wondering about what the point of this post is, let me explain. Maybe you have the answer, or perhaps you might be in the same place.
Lately I have a struggle with my identity. I used to be a warrior, but right now I’m acting much more like a father. Question is if I am partly a warrior, or if it was only a role I had to play. Maybe its just an addiction to chaos and adrenalin.
If it is only a role, I should let go. If it is part of me, I want to nurture it and grow.
We all have roles that are sometimes forced onto us. Being a doctor because your parents want you to, or being the man in the house while you are only a child. It is a dangerous way to lose yourself.
We all have parts of ourself that need expression. Especially creative talents are often stifled because some fail to see its usefulness. My nightingale is only now discovering herself, because she was controlled all her life.
The only way to truly be happy, is to be yourself.
The lesson is short, yet it is definitely one of the secrets to life. Follow your heart. And if you don’t know where your heart is, just notice where your mind wanders.
Seems I have a warrior side after all.
May you have the strength to be uniquely and totally You.