Today is the day, the day where I pour out my heart on paper.
Lately I have a lot of things on my mind. Its been a rollercoaster ride eversince I met my nightingale. She pulled me out of the hell that is my past… Let me begin at the beginning.
I grew up with the uncanny feeling that I was thrown away by my parents. To this day I don’t know why I felt like that. One thing is for sure, my father is an emotionally abusive man. And my mother has very little sympathy. Growing up was tough. If I wanted something, I had to get it myself.
I tried filling the emptiness with material things. Saying it like that makes it all so obvious, because it would only make me feel better for a while. Later it became weapons and training. It gave me a sense of safety I craved. More than anything, I wanted love and a place to belong, a family.
I became a “warrior” because that got me the most attention. Funny how breaking a man’s elbow got me so much affection afterwards. It spiralled out of control, because I tried surviving on my own in a very hostile home. Later years the loneliness got to me. I spent some nights shouting at God in rage… and other nights begging him to take my life. A loveless life is a living death.
Maybe in some way it is “me”, the warrior. But ten months ago, I met my nightingale. Everything changed.
She loves me, and with her I feel safe enough to walk barefoot. I feel relaxed enough to put my weapons away. I truly, deeply, madly love her. I can give her the love no-one else deserves.
The thing is, I am starting to put away my warrior self (if that even is me), and I am becoming more and more enmeshed with her safe and caring world.
I’ve been thinking about death lately. I’m not afraid of it after that night. I saw the other side, and how beautiful it is. But how could I handle it if something were to happen to my nightingale? How could I go back to my old life? Maybe I am afraid…
Maybe its because deep down I’ve already decided that I want to marry her. Maybe she softened me that I cannot survive in my old world any longer.
In the end I just want to get it off my chest. I never want to go back to the way it was.