Thoughts about life, or is it death?


Life and death… I have been putting off writing this for quite some time, mulling it over in the depths of my mind. From the beginning my life was closely involved with death. I know how it feels to want to live, how it feels to want to die, and everything in between. I have lost count how many times I almost died. Many times were accidents, although some have tried to kill me a few times too.

Then there was the night that I did die. “Only a few seconds” the doctor said, before my heart started back up by itself. It didn’t feel that way. I wanted to die that night. The pain was so overwhelming, and I had no reason to live. The pain faded and I felt so cold, then felt the warm embrace of someone. It felt like minutes, as I woke to an angel standing in a lush grassland at the top of some cliffs. I could smell the crisp ocean air. “It is not your time yet” the angel said. “God has a plan for you, and you have to complete it first” It all went dark and the pain came back.

I’ve been thinking about life lately.

I finally and totally lost my fear of death that night. But living… There is so much to it. I guess it comes down to what you live for. I live for some unknown purpose that I am striving to fulfill. But is that my reason?

I’m not entirely sure.

Let me then start with what I am sure of. We all have a purpose, some may have several even. Our lives are all planned out, and sometimes that plan can change because of our choices or other’s. Few will ever know how to “live each day like the last”. There was a time when I really did do that. I was convinced that I would die any day soon. I was prepared to leave the house possibly never coming back. I did feel suicidal back then. Living each day like that changed me. I would enjoy the sky, or the amazing feeling of mist against my skin while cycling on a foggy morning. I reveled in the cold that sometimes made me feel numb, just to remind me that I feel.

Lastly, I am sure that the people in our lives make it worth living.

I lost my will to live because I grew up isolated. My parents and sister lived their own lives, and I lived mine. I never came close to many of my friends because I just did not feel comfortable with it. It wasn’t the knife fights, my failing grades or my broken dreams. It wasn’t even the emotional abuse I lived with each day.

It was the loneliness.

If you are feeling suicidal, you should stop reading this and go to someone. Anyone. Give a loved one a hug, even if  they may or may not love you back. Connect with someone, even if that means a therapist. Talk to a friend or sibling, and get the help you deserve!

The connection

Last year I fought my way out of a living hell. I found a group to belong to, and I even repaired most of  the emotional damage of my past. I reached out to people every day. Then came that faithful day… I was sitting on my own snuggled up in a thick jacket, feeling alone like so many days before. A flash of blue caught my eye. A girl wearing an electric blue sweater was standing in the window of a hall we practice sword arts in. When practice started she was still there. Little did I know that night would change the rest of my life. That was the night I met my nightingale.

One connection changed the course of my entire life.

I did not expect her to do anything for me. My life changed simply because I could be close to someone who makes me feel safe and loved. In many ways I changed her life too. She still reminds me of myself two years back. She is my reason to return home alive.

My whole life I spent on the ground

Crawling through the dust

Then my wings were found

I flew high, but coming back was a must

You see, the sky is lonely without you

I learnt to fly

So I can teach you too

Trust me, and together we will fly away

Strange how talk of life and death turns into a piece about love. It would seem that life is love, and a life without it is no life at all. Maybe that is why they say that God is love.

I wish you love, peace, and a life worth living


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