The abyss

Dark side

Looking back I’ve come so far. I found who I am supposed to be, I know where I want to go in life. The demons of my past are now only memories. Suddenly I walk in a world of light. A world of caring, love and compassion.

I walk with a large shadow in my heart.

I came this far in life by fighting to the bitter end. I came this far by perfecting my skills in combat. I came this far by twisting my own mind into doing things some will never believe. I learned to stitch up my mental wounds, even curing codependency without any support structure. Many will still say that it can not be done.

I became a prototype of my own devices.

The thing is, I fought my way out of a living hell. I became what I had to in order to survive. But now all that is behind me. I still have the odd struggle, but it soon passes. Now suddenly there is no need for all that armor, no need for weapons.

I became a person of light, finally I can love freely.

But somewhere in my depths my old self is still stirring. What do I do with all that darkness? Part of me is still proud of what I can accomplish, another part believes that it might come in handy one day.

All I really want is to leave that life behind.

I still feel that rage when I perceive danger. I learnt that a personality like mine has capacity to handle great darkness. On the ennagram (a personality type chart) I can be charactorised as a number 4, a romantic. The gap on the ennagram between 4 and 5 is sometimes even referred to as an abyss,  an infinitely deep pit filled with only darkness. An attribute of my personality.

Maybe this is about acceptance, and how we sometimes struggle to accept parts of ourselves. Maybe its about people who are like dice, with different sides, throwing ourselves into a direction of our choosing. Maybe it is what we make of it.

We all have parts of ourselves that we struggle to accept, and sometimes we don’t know whether to accept or change.

God, please grant me Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Strength to change the things I cannot accept

And Wisdom to know the difference.


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