Knowing yourself…Losing yourself

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To my parents,
Thank you for my gift, my curse.

It was once said that there is an art to losing yourself. The last few days I was faced with the hard truth about why I lost who I am, and how I finally found myself again. You see, it all started with my home. My home isn’t like most. Conflict was always near, highlighted by my parents’ extreme behaviour. They would be friendly one moment…and furious the next. (No wonder I had an affinity for explosives since an early age) A series of terrible events made me distrust everyone, and I felt that I had to get whatever I wanted by myself.

My world growing up was lonely and derranged

Here is the strange part of it all. It made me who I am…and made me lose myself at the same time. I lost myself to the insanity and chaos, not fighting the current because it was stronger than me. And in doing so, my true self drowned.

I became my false self, a warrior, numb to the confusion and pain around him. Deep down I filled up with so much helplessness, which soon turned to sadness, then despair… then Rage.

Two years ago today, I decided to fight

My life of pain made me strong enough to go against everything holding me down. Every battle I won made me come closer to who I am. Even now I am still unlocking the small details of myself.

A few days ago I realised that what made me lose myself, made me who I am.

My personality type is one that is created in an environment of loss and extremes. The chaos and insanity MADE me into my true self, only to drown me and turn me into a false soldier.

I’m still struggling with the paradox.

Now my life is slowly steering me away from all that, and looking back I can suddenly see all the marks it made on my heart. One day soon I’ll escape, leaving behind the crucible that cast me.

To my Nightingale
I know you will never read this, and maybe it is better this way. This is a silent thank you for pulling me away from home, and becoming my sanctuary. I hope in time that I will be able to repay you.

To you
All tragedies have lessons. I hope that you will see the hidden message I left for you. Sometimes our downfall becomes the saviour that sets us free. Maybe you are searching for yourself. If you are, fight the battle you have before you, because God has given you that so you can find yourself in the victory…or the search for it.

Havoc

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