Aglophobia

sad-drawings-in-pencil

One of the biggest deceptions I ever did was convincing myself that I am fearless. Growing up seeing monsters, bloody fights at early age, even touching death… I feared nothing that came my way. Only now I realize I too have a fear…

Aglophobia, the fear of pain.

Not the dull throb of broken ribs, or the stinging cuts… the searing burn wounds even. No. My fear is of emotional pain. I just cannot face losing my heart again. I can’t give someone my “all” just to have them give noting in return again. I don’t want to face that battle ever again, because I fear for my survival, for my sanity. Never again.

It really is quite spectacular what that fear resulted in. Acute understanding of exactly how people work. I became astute in seeing exactly how people would hurt or disappoint me… Knowing exactly how to see if it would work before risking coming close. Ironically it helped me be more effective as person, and gave me a way to help others… to shield them from the pain I so fear.

There is always beauty in every tragedy.

Today all that pain I’ve been running from caught up with me again, waiting for me to be tired before creeping up on me like darkness during sunset. All that anger came out again, the anger I struggle to accept. The sadness of sleeping alone in my bed. The loneliness of having to face my life’s battles alone. I defeated all my demons only to find that a part of me is the greatest monster of all.

Courage: Being scared but doing it anyway!

If nothing else I learnt that survival meant being courageous. So I have found my last fear. The final one of its kind, facing extinction. Lately I caught myself falling in love again. It won’t work, we are just too different. But I fell in love anyway. My fire pushing me to defy my fears. I might be afraid, but there is no way that it will stop me.

You see, one day I’ll fall in love once more, and it will work…

And that love will heal my past wounds, and help me pick myself up from the ashes. My fire will burn brighter than ever… making me unshakable. I am fighting my way toward that day. It is my reason for staying alive.

Havoc

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